My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
