When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
