How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
