I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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