dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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