I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
