Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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