I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
