My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
COCAINE IS GR8
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
