Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
