dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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