I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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