So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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