True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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