Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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