I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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