My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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