Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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