does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
