My cat gives me a boner
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
