Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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