my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
