either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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