Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
