Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
