Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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