Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
