I hate your face
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
