I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
