hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
