Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
