I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
