new low.... made out with someone while peeing
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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