oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
40s are totally the cure
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
