Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
