My nipple is on Facebook.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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