After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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