He had one of those small greek statue penises
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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