why didn't you poke me back
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
