New low: just hacked my moms facebook
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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