I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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