i may or may not be watching the land before time
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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