god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
