i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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