Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
