Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
