That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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