he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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