five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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