I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
