I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
