I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize