two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
