I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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