You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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